Today I am feeling a bit under the weather. Perhaps a bit discouraged. Yesterday a new week (tarot speaking) has begun, and the new work week begins tomorrow. I do not know what this week will bring. Whether it will be a good one, or a bad one. Whether a new job opportunity will present itself or not. Or whether I even want to take one.
THE QUEEN OF WANDS - REVERSED
This card has made itself the card of Palm Sunday for me. And this Queen, reversed, bring ill news.
Although a hint of money and business success are inherent within the card, it seems that these positive aspects are delayed. Delayed by the prophecy of ferocity, domineering attitudes, jealousy, deceit, unfaithfulness, and disorganization.
Un faithfulness is an interesting one, am I being unfaithful to myself? Perhaps I need to reconsider my career goals and lead myself in a new direction. I am most definitely unorganized mentally and physically at the moment, and my mind is dispersed amidst a gazillion unrelated thoughts and projects that never bear fruit. While all those around me seem to grow in to beautiful glowing women, colleagues, and individuals, I feel like I am receding. Moving backwards. I don't feel like I am progressing at all. And this makes me jealous of those who I feel have lived such interesting experiences of late. Valerie for her success at one of the most renown agencies in Mtl DRAFTFCB, where Joannie works. Both have much less experience than me and are excelling faster than I could ever hope to.
Emily and Anne are both back from trips across Europe where I would give anything to be, and both are back now with so many stories that I can't keep track. Anne has excelled incredibly in photography, better than I could ever hope to become. Why? Because I spend more time looking at the inside of a toilet than I do looking at anything else. I'll wake up one day and realize that.
Marco is still off in Asia, climbing some of the high mountains and traveling across Shanghai, the Philippines, Japan, China, I don't even want to think about it.
Esther will be off to France in a few weeks to visit Mathieu, who is back yet again to see her. She'll be traveling the French coast as well as going to see Dana.
And then there is me. Like the queen. Sitting upon her thrown motionless, inert. Wondering how I ever became this. Will I ever be able to make peace with stagnation? My heart feels like the wind sometimes. This spatial limitation of always being in one place is beginning to worsen my needs to binge, to purge, to contain my feelings as much as I am myself and my body and mind are contained here. And when the need to expel and purge them finally comes, I eat anything in sight and purge it.
Inertia is changing me. It is turning me to stone.
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